Sunday, 4 November 2007


I tend to rely on parts of my life to keep me sane, to give me the stability I crave so that when change does come in one part of my life, I can retreat into another part and deal.
I am a firm believer that things always work out for the best and that there's good in everything we experience - and to be totally cliché about it, I do think that every cloud has a silver lining!

We all know from experience that change is inevitable. It happens everyday, all around us and it's the very thing that keeps us going, moving forward and living our lives. Nothing ever stays the same for long.

It's not the change itself I fear so much. I'm usually OK with whichever turn I take in life. Once it's happening.
It's more the short time before it when I feel it coming.

But when I am the one deciding that something has to change, I will turn it over and over in my mind. Not because I am doubting my choice or because I'm scared of the outcome (because I know what is right for me and I trust myself to come out on the other side in one piece), but I do it more because it allows me to stall, giving myself that extra bit of time to prepare, hoping that in the near future it will not terrify me so much to go through with whatever it is that I'm about to change.

I remember explaining it once as if you are on the ladder in a swimming pool and you can't quite bring yourself to get in the pool. You know you will get in eventually and enjoy the swim, but for the moment you're quite happy just standing on the ladder.

Except I'm not. I hate this part of the process.
I can't quite explain what it is that I feel, I never have (even after extensive probing by shrinks - oh god, that sounds totally weird). Except maybe to say that I feel sad, nervous and utterly trapped. But as a kid I used to refer to it as my "funny feeling".
I used to get it mostly the night before the start of term, or exams or when my parents were going away. And to this day, I've not found any (legal) way of making it go away once it's there.

I am lucky that as an adult the frequency of this feeling is less and less. And I can almost forget it even exists. And then BAM, it hits me and I'm right back to being a kid again.

I don't quite know where I was going with this post. Probably nowhere. But I'm starting my new job tomorrow and I thought I might try a different approach to stemming the growing sinking feeling in my stomach - writing.

Not working.
So I'll just go to bed, lie there praying Morpheus finds me quickly and trust that all will be well in the morning (as I know it will.)

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